Tag Archives: life

Mortals

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Flashing blurry faces
one, two, and three
Tiptoed, scurried paces
thinking that we’re free

Street lights are fading
down a flashing sea
Paranoia raiding
so we can’t believe

Betting like horses on
humans of the streets
Weighing down moments
counting to sixty

Birthday cake candles
flicker eternity
Blown out a lifetime
pursuing sanity

Mumble, bumble, jumble
like a busy bee
Set ourselves on fire
just so we can breath

A Note on the Kitchen Counter

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I’m done, done, done! I seriously cannot do this anymore. My sanity is at the verge of combustion, bursting into burning orbs. Fragments of an existence that was once whole, once unified and once formed me, shall scatter into a void of some vast universe.

I’m gonna be gone, gone, gone… then what will you do? Nothing much can be done after that, honey. You’ll stay the same. Shed a tear or two, eh? Maybe. Please do so, after all you cared for me once upon a dream, right? Maybe an escaped gasp and bewilderment shall overcome you Maybe more than that but then what will you do? Will you look up at the stars and reach out for them in a failed attempt to grasp what is left of me? Trust me, my love. I am trying, trying, trying. So hard to fit into this mirage of unified humans submitting to conformity. But I find it terribly difficult to collect what is remaining of my energy to inhale/exhale for a purpose dictated by an imbecile majority. Gosh, these people make me puke. Ew, people. Ew, ew, ew! Humans think so highly of themselves that they consider every action of theirs justified.

Baby, I’m holding back, back, back. It’s like I’m falling into a black hole that’ll take me back in time. Retarded time and reversed tread. I have to control myself. I am not allowed to say what I think and do what I want. So here I am on this remote island gazing at this wondrous world where these humans are acting like animals and animals are being trained to act like humans. It’s a circus. Everyone’s putting up a show and strip teasing. Lust keeps oozing from the dribbling mouths of these hyenas. It’s like the uncontrollable wildness you see in the eyes of a madman, unsettling and perturbed. I am fighting, fighting, fighting. This is a war against my own self. Even if I win, I lose. I am struggling to adjust this veil that conceals my thoughts that I have from the thoughts I should have. Shush, shush! No one should know what I think of. Those silly thoughts shall lead to my execution! I let them control my life but hell no they won’t control my death.

But fuck it! I’m done, done, done. No one can save me. No one! No one!

Depression For Dummies

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Writing is my refuge and I seek shelter in literature. As much as I am immensely enjoying the profound indulgence in poetry, today I wish to put that aside just for a while and rewind the tape back to the start. The roots of my writing rise from prose. I’d rant and talk about anything in the world. An idea would strike me and I would just write it down. Prose did not bind me to any rhyme scheme, diction or symmetry. I was free to write and submerge myself in the ocean of words.

This is something that I would like to address, for a change; a topic that has been all over the media getting a lot of attention. It is quite marvelous, the way a single life makes populations contemplate over matters and issues that go unseen and ignored under the piles of riff raff. Here, I speak from experience and this is merely a reflection of my thoughts.

What is this “depression” you speak of?

I read somewhere that asking someone to stop being depressed is like asking a patient to stop having cancer. A natural and true writer is such a sensitive soul that at one point or the other, often and a lot, intermittently they go through depression or depressive phases.

Depression does not simply imply that a person is sad. It is as capricious as the weather right before the season is about to change. One day it’s terribly hot and humid and the other day it’s cloudy, dark and rainy.

It is the shadow that does not just follow you in the light but lurks over you, clouding all sources of light. When you are in the dark, it makes it even darker that even pitch black seems like an understatement. Suffocation engulfs you. It’s like that irritable little girl stuck in a room full of chain smokers.

“You don’t understand!”

Since you are the only one who is actually experiencing this, it feels like no one understands. Maybe they don’t. I mean, if they have tickets to a Beyonce concert, they are going to jam out and dance all night. But that does not mean they are not willing to cooperate, support you or help you.

We all have our highs and lows. Everyone has their own way of dealing with their problems. Some people like to be whiny babies and like being pampered like a girl on her period. Others are stubborn rocks and are not willing to let anything permeate unless it is strong and convincing enough to break through their walls. So, just because someone’s way does not match your way does not mean it should be discarded. Just because you’re a vegan does not mean you can’t look at a hamburger, right?

Reach out and someone will hold your hand

Yes, everyone is yapping about how you should seek help and reach out. I know how goddamn difficult that can be. Imagine sitting in a box that has been nailed close. You are the one who has closed the box from inside out. There are small cracks that are the only way you can reach out. You also fear that if someone comes close, then the nails sticking out from all over the box might hurt them. That is what it’s like when you are depressed and you are expected to reach out to others for help.

If there was a book called “Depression for Dummies”, Reach For The Stars or something equally cheesy would be chapter number two. That’s how self-help and motivational books are like, right? Chicken Soup for the Depressed Soul, anyone? 

People keep telling me “get a life.” How do I do that?

Those people seriously need a hobby because you already do have a life. All you need is to fill it in with all sorts of things. If there was a chapter number three it would be; Distract Yourself. There there Grandma Susan, it ain’t as easy as it sounds. But it does not mean you should not give it a try.

The best way is to have multiple options open like hobbies or general activities.

  • You can initiate something new like read a new book, watch a new movie or start watching a new TV series.
  • You can enroll in extracurricular activities from playing an instrument to playing a sport, from singing to acting to debating. Anything you like!
  • You can revive an old passion like sketching, writing and one of my favorites is listening to old school music.
  • You can be creative like cook something interesting, do some gardening, go skateboarding, swimming, work out, go for a walk or even dance in your underwear when you’re in your room alone or home alone (lock the door, okay?)
  • Keeping in view your religious or spiritual beliefs you can meditate, pray or go to the church and confess a sin or two. Bend down on your knees and talk to God!
  • Treat yourself to a cup of coffee, go dine in somewhere with or without someone else, buy a new shirt or a pair of shoes
  • Express yourself through some change in your appearance. This is something I’ve seen people do often like dye your hair (I did that three times!) or get a new haircut. Now, be careful and think this one through before you go off shaving your head, getting a tattoo or piercing because you are the one to bear with the consequences afterwards, too. Only do this if you’re absolutely sure about it!

A Positive Support System

Chapter four would be “Surround Yourself by the Right People”. This is vital! A positive support system and people who actually understand can be so comforting. I would recommend at least one person from your family; anyone you get along with really well, can easily confide in and ball your eyes out if you have to. A parent, partner, sibling, cousin or a friend or two you really love should be a part of that circle. Their presence can be extremely soothing.

If you do not like the way someone behaves with you especially when you are depressed then you do not need to keep them around or put up with their crap during this rough time. It could be someone like a family member who you cannot completely discard, but in that scenario, just distance yourself.

It’s okay not to be okay

If you are depressed, you are not alone. If you chose to be secluded to sort things on your own and get your act together, that’s absolutely fine too. You know what helped me a bit? I switched my phone off, deactivated my social media accounts, turned on my favorite music and binge wrote. I mean, I have been depressed for over a month now and here I am writing an article ranting about depression! (Depressception? Gosh, no!) I have not fully recovered but I am feeling so much better.

Before this gets out of hand, I’ll start wrapping it up. I have been suffering from depression ever since I was sixteen and it has never been easy. It never is. It is not a choice, it just happens. There are so many people who go through this. We know and understand. But time passes, both good and bad. You must keep on going. Only then will you know for sure what time has in store for you.

A Freckle on the Face of the Sky

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We all want to believe that the universe, or maybe a portion of a fraction of the universe, is within our sweaty palms. Because we fear our insignificance. It scares the living daylight out of us that we aren’t special. So we spend our limited mortality trying to prove the contrary. Well buck up, kid! You’re in for a surprise; the one you won’t appreciate (like growing up).

The planet earth comprises of 7 billion homo sapiens, approximately. Other than that, there are several billions (google the specifics, dammit!) of other living organisms with a diversity scattered all over the world. Then there are also those beings who cease to exist now due to their fortunately unfortunate extinction. So adding this all up, what makes you so special? How are you, by any means, better than a T-Rex? How will you defend your existence when compared to a Panda? Pandas are the representative of ethno-racial harmony, you know. They are the amalgamation of black and white (old school FTW!) and they’re essentially found in China. Herro!

What about you? You chuckle about a racist joke you made up in your head that most probably no one else will find funny. Your best friend will laugh at it because that’s a part of the Friendship Contract that they’ve signed. Article 3, Chapter 37, page 5, column 2 (with latest amendment) states that even and/or when you know your friend is being lame, it is essential that you make a vague attempt to conceal the awkwardness that followed the execution of a lame act in order to neutralize the situation. Although, skipping 4 pages, on page 9 it is stated in column 4 that being a friend you may or may not laugh at your friend’s lameness keeping in view the probable reaction. Exceptional conditions include gender status. If the friend is a female, column 4 must be neglected in all situations because let’s admit it, these rules and laws usually just don’t apply to women. Hell, ain’t nobody gonna treat us like their pets, eh! *snaps her fingers* One glass of radical feminism, on the rocks. *plays Destiny’s Child’s Independent Woman*

There, there. This is just a single example of stereotypical social contracts that humans tend to sign. God Forbid, 13 volumes of the Amorous Relationship Contract are a nightmare! So, you spend your whole life abiding by these socio-culturally typical norms and values on how to spend your life. I would again put forth the question, what makes you special? The fact that you have perfectly manipulated your (average) 40-70 years of life on replicating the demonstration of a life standard just like several thousand others does not make you unique. It makes you a fucking coward. Once upon a time, someone’s great grandpa’s nana had the balls to stand up and pave the path that has now become just another job in the market now.

Birth, childhood, adolescence, adulthood, middle age, old age; eating, walking, talking, schooling, college-ing, working, marrying, reproducing, nurturing, retiring, dying… Is that just how it is to be till the world collides into some Godforsaken black hole? Maybe. Maybe not. Right now, I’m too busy deciding what cookies I want to buy.

A Dose of Sanity, for the Insane

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The things that drive me crazy are the things that make me feel alive. There’s so much to experience in life and there’s not enough time! Safety mocks the outrageous risks that I take. Security is too mainstream and over rated.

I might not be able to do all the things I would want to do in life. But the process of imagining that one day, you might be able to bungie jump, skinny dip or sky dive with your best mates in your favorite country, it’s an experience in itself. Call me a day-dreamer if you may, but hoping for happy days is not a cardinal sin. At least not from where I stand.
I watched a movie Now Is Good in which a leukemic 17 year old girl makes a list of the things she wants to do before she dies. I say, why do we need an excuse to do that? Each and every one of us is bound to die, sooner or later. Then why not give yourself a chance at enjoying life?

My best friend just said this to me today, If you stop being such a cynic, you’d realize, life is beautiful. As much as my skepticism provoked me to argue with her, I didn’t. Because she wasn’t wrong. Beautiful does not have to be perfect. I do not consider beauty to be universal, in strict terms. Sometimes, the apparently ugliest things hold such beauty in them, that not every person can appreciate. Commonly appreciated notions and accepted cliches are self imposed authorities.

A great person once told me one of the greatest rules I live by these days, free yourself! To be very honest, this isn’t easy at all. Freedom is one of the most controversial issues these days. But I think, there are levels of freedom that can be attained. This freedom that I speak of, is the freedom from mental enslavement. “He said this…” and “She wants me to do that…” or “But what will they think?”… Get rid of it! It is your life. Wouldn’t it be better if you lived it instead of someone else?Image